Kill that situationship before it kills you! (I)

There's nothing sweet about an almost.

Suddenly came across the pregnancy emoji and just recalled the time when 25 (let's call him this) and I were still texting and how we gave ourselves nicknames on Facebook. It hurts.💔

Sigh... I hope I'll be totally over him. Really!

But regardless of that happy moment, I'm happy that I'm where I am today is as a result of what happened. I learned what it meant to be in something that there's no label...

It's been four years already. Why can't I let it go?

And stop searching for him in strangers?

Do I really think I won't meet someone I'd like who's gonna like me that much?

One thing I know is... I will not settle for someone like him based on how my nervous system is around him.

Teenage me thought she was an exception... honestly, she wasn't.

If he could treat that girl like that... Was I any different?

I hoped to be picked. Chosen. Selected. Desired...

It gave off some kind of superiority towards Daniella. I felt glad she was jealous of me. Never in my lifetime did it occur to me that I'd be in her position some day.

Until I saw that girl as his Whatsapp dp... The one he said he put because he was ‘dared’. I thought I was the only one. Turns out I wasn't.

I don't know the story from his side. I don't want to know because it won't undo the damage but I know I felt hurt regardless of whether it was a dare or not!

My feelings were valid.

I hope Daniella is somewhere better. With someone better. I hope she's not craving for someone whose contact into our lives only scorches off our energy!

What he did wasn't cool! Manipulating. Gaslighting. Deflecting.

I swear, when he said he'd leave me for another it prompted me to want to work to earn affection...😫💔

Now that I see it. I wanted to be a therapist to someone who didn't like themselves no matter what. Who kept playing the: “I’m the bad person”, “I’m not so good-looking” card...

Man...😹😡

I don't even know how to react gan.

This person actually knew what he was doing, the game he played! But at the expense of another person's emotions?

One thing pisses me off the most and it's that life can be really cruel. No karma or closure. No something that can justify whatever it is that's burning in my chest except, time, grace and healing perhaps the no total contact and an absolute you're-not-getting-your-saggy-dick-back-into-my-life-cos-you're-no-good-for-me-and-I-hope-life-fucks-you-around-like-you-did-to-me...

I'm sorry, I'm just pissed that I end up cussing but what the heck!🫩

In case you're curious, then you're settling for a long read. I might have hesitated to put this out there just because I'm scared he might come across it — another reason as to why I didn't use his name!

But here's how it all started... and where I should have backed off completely but stupidly went ahead because... If I mention it, y'all might probably bind me to a stake.🤧

It was a year after pandemic. I got my first phone after bugging my Dad countless times for one. Recalling it now, I'm in the middle of the events like I'm reliving it.

The nostalgia of being a secondary school graduate. The post-exams fever. Fave's Baby Riddim's melody whistling in the dry harmattan air and the thrill of scrolling through my Facebook feed because I wanted to read one more fact from one group that used to exist like this...

I've forgotten the name. But that group was the beginning of my downfall in the field of romance... and maybe my becoming.

There he was with an online pseudonym and a trademark animated image of a bald man grinning as a profile picture. I can see it in my head as I write this.

One thing that drew me in was “sips chilled blood.”😹

How stupid.😡

I was intrigued. This was the first time I saw someone standing off from the crowd of everyone on the blue app used to making memes and duplicating! From the screen I could feel this person. Weird... I've always been unusual, don't blame me. Being a fan of webnovels and reading from the then popular lightreader didn't even help matters.

I saw him as Alexander Qin from Kazzenlx's Hellbound with you. No... I've forgotten the ML's name in Ash_knight's ‘Belle Adams' Butler.

That was really too much to place on someone who I'm just encountering via the screen on a platform! It was cool. I wanted to be that cool too.

My interest sky-rocketed as the weeks rolled by and I kept encountering that group. Until I started engaging in the CS and getting to know the people there, before I made small replies on 25’s comments. Then, we started talking. It graduated from comment section flirting to sending a friend request and texting him immediately it was responded, and mann... It was a vibe!

I don't recall our first conversation. I don't see the point of it! But I remember I never harbored feelings for this person in the first three months of texting.

Not until we started something.

Teenage me was someone who was obsessed with writing her stories and wanting to experience a love that's actually described in the webnovels I read, so what did I do?

I started texting someone I barely know like I'm a character and we started cosplaying. Would have sworn that if I had the ability to rewind, I'd grab my Nokia C1 and smash it onto the wall after blocking the werey.😭

I started off as a character yadayada, he followed suit... Before you know it I was feeling sparks! Wait ooo... I'm not even before the person and I'm feeling like this!?

(Just to let you know, I've never met this person irl and we only seen ourselves on pictures and videos sent, we did a video call once in my matric... I know. It's stupid feeling like this for someone I haven't seen at all... Not to talk of up close. But pray you never feel what I've felt.)

We continued as days morphed into weeks and weeks into months. I completely liked this guy. Didn't say anything. Until he told me he liked me. Omohhh.😡

These were fond memories even though I'm angry.

But I wish I listened when he told me I'd get tired if we dated. Wish I listened when he said he wasn't good for me. Wish I listened when he said his life was hell.

But I used the fact that I spoke to his Mom on a voice call while we were talking, to gaslight myself. Guyyy!

I'm biting my pillow as I type this.

This werey legit pit me against my fellow gender then. I was ready to go all in (as a certfied pick-me I was) Aish, shibal!😡

He never asked me out. No.

I started getting hot in the nights we argue over texts... Like my temperature would literally rise! I didn't understand that feeling then. But I do now.

He was never a safe space. Never, ever. The patterns were there but I thought I was different.

You'll think you're special until you see that they'll text you they're busy and you go to Whatsapp only to see a status screenshot of themselves clowing over nothing with a friend you shouldn't even be worried about.

I crashed out on him. Expressed my feelings. Ngga said I was being dramatic. I went on my status and made loads of sad posts and memes then went offline after crashing out. Blocked him. And we didn't talk again.

And that's when the dreaded cycle of intermittent reinforcement started.

One thing I learned about guys is this; once they notice that you adjust to a shitty behavior or attitude, they'd think you're fine with it. And thus do less.

Then I met his friend... This one is a story for another day but let's focus on 25!

25 to me, was a potential. A supposed husband. I scoff in spite. He was someone whom I told everything, who unfortunately, didn't let me in on whatever it was that went on his life. Someone who I gladly took interest in the things he liked because I wanted to understand him — even though he clearly didn't want me to do that.

Younger me was an intruder. She was obsessive. I don't even want to justify those feelings knowing fully well that I didn't even know what was going on.

Looking back, 25 and I meeting shouldn't have been. But I orchestrated in such a way I defied fate! I didn't even want anything to play out on its own.

All because of potential.

Wait oo. What if 25 and I actually did met back then? What could have gone wrong?

Maybe I might have gotten pregnant because I was considering sexing the mofo even though I didn't want to...?

Eugh... i can't think about it.

Anyways. It's not a straight-forward story. But at least I told you a bit of what went down. It's getting too long now and I don't want you leaving here half-way.

Let me know if you wanna see a second part, before deviating to his friend's.

I see why they flock together.💀